Crystal’s Corner

Some short musings of mine were published in a blog called Problems with Parents in response to an e-mail from the blog author. Just thought I’d share them here too:

Parents are humans and will always have their flaws. Author Mitch Albom wrote:

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.“

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom

But I guess the beauty in the imperfection of parenthood is that ultimately, we, as children, learn to break out from the shadow of our parents and take charge of our own destinies. We learn that ultimately, though we cannot control the circumstances we are in, we control our reactions to them. Ideally, that is. Unfortunately some people still choose to live under that shadow and blame their parents for who they are today.

But I daresay the hurt and struggles I’ve faced and received from my parents have made me a stronger and more independent person. =)

And perhaps that is all parents want from their children in the first place - to know that when they leave this earth, their children will be able to take care of themselves.

But it’s not like I would know, since I’m not one.

I did not intend to write the usual blog post about the year 2008 in retrospect and what the year 2009 might hold for me, as those who asked would know.

Truth is, I didn’t really have anything to say.

But I suppose after reading through several other friends’ new year posts and taking some time to challenge myself to think (because we all know it’s so much easier to shut our thoughts out and stay numb and apathetic), I’ve realized that I do have some things to say after all. I do have my share of lessons learnt, and experiences I will never forget.

And so, here’s a few thoughts I wanted to jot down, because as someone said:

“Writing is powerful. As we write words down on paper, we write them on our hearts.”

“Happy” New Year

“Happy New Year” is such an oxymoron this year because as we bid adieu to the past year and usher in the new, we all know what the year holds for us - an economic crisis looms large on the horizon. On a more personal level, perhaps, I know a few friends who didn’t exactly start the new year on a “happy” note. One had to deal with funeral arrangements for his father, another faced a computer and modem crash which rendered both his PC and laptop useless, and possibly dozens of work and assignment files lost - on New Year’s day itself. Driving to One Utama on New Year’s day, I passed a car that had crashed into a tree at the side of the road, and the car was badly damaged. Not exactly a “happy” start to the new year.

With all that in mind, I’m somewhat reluctant to use the words “Happy New Year”, because it feels so redundant and meaningless. How do you wish someone a Happy New Year when you know that the new year did not exactly open with a bang for them?

Not that I had the best of new years either. After our church’s thanksgiving service and countdown, I went home instead of staying to mingle, or adjourning to another party or destination. I simply didn’t feel like dealing with crowds and faces and the endless repetition of the meaningless “Happy New Year” wishes. It was a case of the proverbial “being in a crowd but feeling alone” kind of feeling. It felt so superficial being in a crowd of people you hardly know, some that you meet only once a year, and giving out hugs all around and the usual wishes and greetings because you are obligated to. How could I wish someone a Happy New Year when I didn’t feel very happy myself?

That said, I’m not surprised at all that I’m feeling this way. In fact, I’d already anticipated this. If I had the choice, my idea of an ideal new year would be dinner with either family or some intimate friends, and after the countdown, toasts to each person there and for the year ahead as well.

Choices

The thing about life, though, is that we don’t get to choose. We don’t get to pick out ideal situations - we just have to deal with the ones that come. Whether it’s the loss of a family member or some valulable possesions, whether it’s a dark, personal struggle or relationship issues - we just have to deal with it as it comes.

And I suppose the thing or the lesson that has struck me the hardest in the year 2008 is that while we cannot choose our situations, we can choose what we make of it.

It’s not about how we feel towards the situation. It’s about more than just emotions. No matter how numb or emotionless or drained I may be feeling, my feelings don’t have to affect my actions or the choices I make. I can choose to believe even though I feel like giving up. I can choose to love a person even though I want to slap that person in the face. I can choose to go to church and listen to the message even though all I want to do is shut what the speaker is saying out.

And it’s in doing so that I somehow find the strength to keep going on. I somehow find that little bit more to keep pressing on. I somehow find that it’s worth it to struggle to believe that there is meaning in what I do, because even though it’s a struggle, it’s so much better than living in complete hopelessness that life has no meaning.

In closing, I don’t have any words of advice to offer anyone, or any encouragement to offer for the year ahead, save for this: that if we choose to let Him, God will be the strength of our hearts.

Have a meaningful new year.

“I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.

I believe in love, even when I feel it not.

I believe in God, even when He is silent.”

-Written on the wall of a Nazi Concentration camp

What on earth does a relatively obscure TV series (overshadowed by Heroes, Prison Break, Gossip Girl and the lot) have to do to score gorgeous women in practically every other episode or almost every episode?

I’m only halfway through Season 1 (I’m catching up fast though!) and so far the eye candy has not been disappointing (and main character Chuck, played by Zachary Levi, isn’t too bad looking either). Check it out

Episode 1 - Yvonne Strahovski as undercover agent Sarah Walker & Sarah Lancaster as Chuck’s uber-sweet sister Ellie Bartowski

Episode 3 - Lorena Bernal as ruthless art collector/killer Malena

Episode 4 - Mini Anden as Carina (who would have been a much more kick*** actress in Transporter instead of that Natalya something something)

Episode 8 - Rachel Bilson (of O.C. fame) as Lou

It’s not just about the eye candy though. Witty dialogue, humor, and a heavy pinch of sarcasm sprinkled throughout bring a refreshing twist to the cliched spy genre. For example, instead of trying to come up with new fight sequences and stunts when we have seen it all, the pilot kicks off by deliberately making the stunts look - fake. Brilliant.

Me love this series.

It’s almost as if just when I thought the sun was finally peeking out from the storm that pretty much clouded my inner life for much of the past year, more storm clouds roll in.

Having to deal with a major position shift in a ministry I’ve been serving in for the past two years, attending a heart-wrenching memorial two days after Christmas, and many other things on my mind amid all the Christmas and New Year festivities, I’ve been pretty much in a funk for a few days. Not that anyone would guess. Because I’m pretty much enjoying what I’ve been busy doing… it’s just that when the day is done and I’m alone in my room catching up on e-mails or getting ready for bed, I just feel… empty and depressed.

Like I’ve done so many times in the past year, I questioned whether it was worth it all. Whether it is worth the fight, worth the struggle, to live like each day is part of a Bigger Plan, and to actually believe that it is. Why do I bother? Why don’t I just give up, quit pretending like I’ll someday overcome how I’m feeling because it’s not like I can actually do it anyway? Why don’t I just numb myself to everything and frivolously waste my time away drowning myself in media, entertainment, and endless socializing?

Then, out of habit, I visited a few people’s blogs to check for updates. And the reality suddenly hit me in the face again - that I’m not the only one struggling with this! I’m not the only one questioning whether it’s worth it to care!

And even though people may not provide me with the answers, somehow it gives me comfort to know that there are people out there who have thought about giving up, but are not giving up just yet. Who have questioned, but are still searching for the answers. Somehow I feel less like I’m desperately groping about in the dark. Somehow even though each may be searching for their own answers and may feel like they’re alone in the dark, these people are piercing the darkness, at least for me. Though they may not be shining beacons of hope, they’re like tiny flames that make me feel less afraid.

It makes sense that we were not meant to go through life alone - that we need each other for support and to keep us going.

So for all those flames that have lit the way for me, with or without realizing it, thank you. For those who may be feeling alone, there is someone out there who has felt the same way before. And if you choose to share your story you may find that it is true, and become someone else’s flame in the process.

I discovered a beautifully written article on Boundless yesterday that sums up perfectly many of the struggles with faith, doubt, and meaning that I have been facing in the past year. It’s a refreshingly raw, honest, and contemplative piece of writing.

Just thought I’d share it in case any of my readers has ever felt the same way and is tired of the typical superficial talk on the matter. Here’s a short excerpt:

The generation I call mine, “Gen X,” stands accused of many sins. Cynicism, because we’ve seen so much advertising that we hold nothing as truth and see propaganda underlying every communication. Distrust, since we are the children of divorced parents and demolished families; the generation that craves relationships like food while we run from their poison. Lack of compassion; because we don’t vote or tithe or volunteer.

In short, the self-appointed sociological commentators proclaim, this generation doesn’t care … about anything. We’re too busy navel-gazing to see the world around us.

But I suggest a different diagnosis: we care too much.

Corrupt politicians and fallen pastors and lying salesmen have conspired to convince us change is impossible and progress is illusory. The sheer weight of the AIDS epidemic and the National Debt and the starvation of children conspire against us. We read about the 15 million-plus AIDS orphans and can’t imagine that many people in the universe.

Tears collect in our downcast eyes; our empathy goes out to every hurting soul. And then we realize … there is little or nothing we can do in the face of a disaster of epic proportions. Meanwhile, the emaciated child staring back at us from the relief website tears our soul to pieces, and what choice to we have but to click away?

So we visit Comedy Central; watch Jon Stewart mock all that’s wrong in the world without proposing a single solution — and without affecting our hearts except to add another layer of cynical shielding. The problems are too big to comprehend, and too risky to undertake and fail.

So why try? It’s only going to suffocate our souls as we watch the starving child in the picture inevitably die. Read the full article, “Helicopter Seeds”, here.

“Reason is the natural organ of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.” - C.S. Lewis

 I finally have some decent photos of some of my Christmas baking, thanks to Jon (and Paul’s DSLR).

Thank you!

It’s Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, and I woke up this morning to news that the father of someone from my youth group just passed away on Christmas Day.

I couldn’t help but be sobered by the fact that while the world is busy with all the festivities and fanfare, people are grieving. While the world prepares to celebrate new beginnings that the New Year brings, for others, an ending is marked.

And I couldn’t help but be reminded of how fragile and temporary our life on earth is. Despite what the world tells us - that we have a whole new year ahead of us, a whole life to live - and we have plenty of time, so we should just enjoy ourselves, I am reminded, this Christmas and New Year’s, that our time on earth is fleeting.

Every moment, every second, is important - because in the blink of an eye, it will soon be over. And with that knowledge in mind, it just doesn’t make sense to live as though I have all the time in the world to enjoy now and worry later.

Every day I have is a gift. And I want to make the days that I have been given count for something - before they come to an end. With every breath that I’m given, I want it to make a difference for good. I don’t want to waste my life trying to live up to expectations and settling for mediocrity. I want my life to fulfill the purpose it was created for - to live for Him. And when my time is on earth is up, I want to know that my life has not been wasted and it has meant something - because it was lived not for myself or anyone else, but for Him.

This Christmas will be a markedly different one from me in more ways than one. For one, I didn’t have any presents to open like I usually do*, other than a wrapped angpow from my parents. That means either one of two things: 1) people are beginning to feel the economic pinch, OR, 2) I’m growing up.

But beyond all the Christmas presents, the festivities, feasting, and sugar rushes from one too many cookies, I think that for the first time this year, the heart of what Christmas is all about really began to mean something to me, aside from all the tradition and sentimentality.

The reality of life

This year has been a difficult, painful one for me. Oh, on the outside I’ve had many successes, added a number of feathers to my cap, and made some very real and meaningful friendships along the way. But on the inside, I struggled with some equally real issues and doubts about my faith and about the church and the lives of people who claimed to follow Him. I’ve questioned whether it was really worth it all and why I should even bother. I’ve decided that maybe there is no other way than putting on a mask, because after all, real Christians don’t struggle with such things. And then I wallowed in guilt and shame for thinking and believing such things.

All of us have been there at some point or another, haven’t we? Where we question why we bother doing things the way we do. When we can’t seem to understand. When we don’t see the meaning in all the seemingly routine things we have to go through or face. When we are faced with hardship and difficulty and it’s hard not to ask “Why?”. And when we either blame others or beat ourselves up with guilt because of the struggles we face.

Life can be so confusing and messy sometimes, isn’t it?

Which is why sometimes it’s so easy to let presents and tinsel define what Christmas really is, and let the true meaning of “God With Us” fly over our heads. God with US. Immanuel incarnate - living among us in the flesh, as a breathing, crying, pooping baby.

The God who needed His diapers changed

Many of us are familiar with Christmas messages that focus on Christ’s ultimate destiny on earth – to die on the cross and save us from all our sins. And that is true, He did come, to ultimately die. But it baffles me. He could have come in so many other ways, in so many other different stages of life. He’s God - surely he could have entered the scene just as a full-grown man, without having to live 9 months in a teenage girl’s womb, and be pushed out in the world in the most ungraceful way possible in the dirtiest surroundings possible.

If his only purpose was to die, he could have come as a man. His public ministry didn’t even begin until he was around his thirties! Surely, there must be a Bigger Purpose that Christ came to earth as a baby, otherwise the first thirty years of his life growing up as a carpenter’s apprentice would be meaningless.

Why would the Creator of everything suffer the indignity of having His nappies changed every few hours? Of depending on breast milk to survive? Of being born in a stable, a resting place meant for animals or the transportation of that time, and not for humans? Imagine Jesus being born in one of today’s parking lots, or garages. He could have chosen so many other ways. Continue Reading »

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.
~Forrest Gump.

It’s been a crazy schedule. What is supposed to be my holiday has turned into one errand after another to run or one more job to do.

I’d deliberately left my December schedule largely empty, expecting some time at last to myself after a busy year. But I’ve ended up having things cropping up last minute and finding my hands full with unexpected responsibilities and duties.

Times like these get me extremely agitated. There’ve been a good number of people that have had me swearing at them in my head.

But it’s also times like these that make me appreciate even more the little things that keep life beautiful and keep me sane and from being a big ball of fury.

Today, one of those things is the newfound love of my life:

He might have to take a backseat to John Rzeznik when Rzeznik does an acoustic album, but for now, John Mayer rocks my world.

Sigh… To be in a little coffeehouse somewhere in some big city, listening to him play the acoustic version of his songs live.

I heart John Mayer’s acoustic album.

I don’t know if it’s just the Christmas season or that end-of-the-year feeling, but I’ve been feeling further than ever from Home and what I used to call my First Love.

It feels like somewhere along the road, I lost my way back home, and now I’m feeling so far and missing how it used to be.

Funny how I don’t seem to be alone in this.

**On a related note, you might want to check out this post at my other blog. =)

Christmas is just around the corner…

And frenzied shoppers rush around buying Christmas gifts and goodies, some racking their heads over what to buy for their loved ones this year while others opt out of gift-buying altogether, due to rising costs and inflation.

This year, why not do something different and give a meaningful gift instead - one that is not only practical but that will also change the lives of children and communities in need?

WorldVision is giving you this opportunity to give a gift of hope in honor of your loved ones (for every gift you purchase, you get a free gift card). And there’s something for everyone!

If you know an animal lover, you can buy a baby goat or lamb on his or her behalf for a community in Thailand. 

If you know a food lover, or a fan tong, then rice would be the perfect gift to benefit needy farmers in Thailand!

If you know someone who is concerned about the environment, there’s biogas (the green alternative to firewood) units for villagers in China who will not have to cut down trees anymore for fuel.

If you know a straight-A student, there workbooks and uniforms for kids to Sarawak, or you can even help to build a classroom for children in Lebanon.

Any future doctors on your Christmas shopping list? Medical insurance for a child in war-torn Lebanon would be just the thing.

For families with kids? There’s educational toys and even playground equipment for children in Thailand.

If you know someone who’s into arts, crafts, and sewing, contributing to the sewing factory fund will equip women in Lebanon with skills so that they can earn money to be self-sufficient.

Do you know any newly-weds? How about sponsoring a child in their name (that will hopefully be a sign of children to come in the future)?

There is DEFINITELY something for everyone.

And it need not be expensive either. Even a Hallmark greeting card costs RM 20 and above. So will the usual Christmas gift items such as picture frames, socks, underwear and etc. And a good majority of Christmas gifts sit on shelves collecting dust.

For RM 20, you can buy a school of fish (any fish lovers in the house?) - 10 catfish to be exact - for villagers in Thailand to breed and rare as a source of food. You can also give a child in Sarawak a school uniform to last the year for that amount.

RM 15 will get organic fertilizer that will increase crops for farmers in Thailand. While it will probably get you half a Christmas pudding, ten candy canes, or three gingerbread men from a supermarket in KL.

It’s not that hard to give, isn’t it? WorldVision is making giving to those in need as easy as shopping from any other catalogue. You can even purchase gifts online at the website.

And if you’ve already been faced with swarms of charitable organizations asking for donations hoping to bank on the Christmas spirit of the season, perhaps a little more knowledge about WorldVision will convince you to give.

WorldVision is not exactly a “charity” organization in the traditional sense of the word. It doesn’t just give money, food, and clothes to the poor. Rather, they believe in the concept of “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.” Hence, WV calls itself a relief, advocacy, and DEVELOPMENT organization. One of their main focuses is long-term development projects in areas of poverty. Their goal is to teach and equip these communities with the skills and resources they need to be self-sufficient.

And yes, your money actually reaches where it is supposed to. Like any other corporate company, WV’s finances are audited by external, third-party agencies. Overheads costs are kept to below 16% of all donations received.

You can be sure that every dollar that you give to WV, it will go a long way. It’s not giving for today. It’s investing for a brighter future for the millions of people out there living in poverty.

Want to get a gift?

You can order online at http://www.worldvision.com.my/goh/index.php, or, drop by the Gifts of Hope booth at BSC this coming Saturday and Sunday (last weekend!) from 10 AM - 10 PM. If you purchase a gift above RM 30 or make a general donation above RM 10, you can get a set of 5 beautiful greeting cards as displayed below:

In the midst of all the shopping, lights, parties, presents, food, and feasting, let’s spare just a little bit of time and money to spread some hope and joy to others who are not as privileged as we are, shall we?

It’s not about how much, but it’s about the heart. Do we really care, or are we too selfish? If everyone does a little bit, no matter how little, it will make a huge difference for someone else.

My bit is sponsoring a child. What’s yours?

Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.  ~Janice Maeditere

…why I get to be part of the world’s population that has to struggle with things like misunderstandings, insecurity, anger, hate, jealousy, relationship breakdowns, politics, and backstabbers… while the other part of the world struggles with things like famine, war, drought, and AIDS.

Why I get to be part of the churches that preach about things like materialism and broken relationships, while the other part of churches deal with things like how to endure persecution.

Sometimes I think that it is actually easier to deal with issues like poverty, starvation and disease because no amount of rice or medicine can eradicate diseases of the soul - like bitterness, hatred, and apathy.

Can people who have the most… really have the least? At the end of the day when we have all our titles and possesions and accomplishments… what do we have to be thankful for? Or do we just need more?

What DOES more bring us anyway? Why do we need more? Why do we fight for recognition and position and possesions? At the end of the day, does it make us happier? Does it give our lives meaning? Or have we stopped caring about things like that? Live for the moment? Satisfy your temporary desires until they are replaced by new ones? Then what?

So what if you have more? So what if you’re better? So what if you’re richer? So what if you’re prettier? So what? Does it make us feel good to know that we are better than others?

Sometimes I wish I could run away from this part of the world…

until someone comes along and reminds me that there are still people left in this part of the world who see beyond themselves and it gives me hope, if only just a little bit more.

little arms around my neck,

little fingers clasped tightly in mine,

a little head snuggled into me,

a little heart to mean the world to,

who thinks I am perfect,

who thinks I know everything, from why the sky is blue to why children have to go to bed early,

who trusts me unwaveringly,

who knows only how to be honest,

who needs my love and care,

whose little head can’t imagine ever being apart from me,

who is mine.

Christmas is in the air….

Give a gift… change a life!
Gifts for the people in your life
Give a meaningful gift in your loved one’s honour. Whether it’s for Christmas, an anniversary or a birthday, your loved one would appreciate a good deed done in his/her name.
Gifts that change lives
Your “out-of-the-box” gift won’t be gathering dust on a shelf, it will be meeting the needs of children and families living in desperate conditions.
There’s Something for everyone!

Animals
Agriculture
Community development
Environmental Care
Education
Emergency Relief
Health Care
Recreation & Self-development
Skills development
Water
Year-long Gifts

Check out the Gifts of Hope booth at the Bangsar Shopping Centre every Saturday and Sunday, 10 AM - 10 PM!

(P/S - Doesn’t the picture above make you go “Awww…..”??? Sigh… too adorable.)