Crystal’s Corner

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“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” -David Russell

The last few days have been so full of searching… wondering… questioning… if I was making the right choice. If it was worth it.

The last few days have been spent a lot with one person… myself. Doing the things I used to love but had pushed aside in the name of commitments, work, busyness, and so on. I read Tony Parsons… watched Slumdog Millionaire… cleaned my room… Woke up to swim in the morning… Woke up to brew myself coffee to drink as I type this out… Cleaned out my drawers and cupboards and read a few old letters…

It scares me sometimes to be alone, especially when I have a lot on my mind to think about. I don’t mind being alone but I hate it when loneliness comes along with being alone. I think that secretly, more people fear loneliness than they would like to admit.

But as I read the letter of one of my oldest and bestest friends (and probably only childhood/primary school friend that I can still call a friend), even though we’re not as close as we used to be and we don’t hang out often, I realize I’m not alone. We don’t always have to be around or next to the people we care about but we can know that somewhere out there, someone gets us. Someone understands. Someone cares.

Reading those letters reminded me that in our lives, people come and go. Some stay for awhile, and then they’re gone. But some, no matter how far they go or what they do or who they become, always remain a friend because they’ve left a mark on your heart that will stay forever.

Today, I don’t know what this friend is doing or where he is right now. But I know that letters written four years ago and one written earlier this year… happens to be just what I need to hear at this time in my life.

“I also can’t believe how close we’ve gotten as friends over such a small period of time. You are still the only one I have 200% trust and faith in… We stuck through highs and lows, joy and sadness, and from there blossomed a strong friendship. The only friendship in my life so far (with a peer) that has edified me and helped me grow in the Lord.” -Christmas (2005? I think:P)

“Our friendship hasn’t been perfect. But it has been a rather fulfilling friendship. Thanks… for so many things… for the face-to-face, heart-to-heart talks… Because you were there when it mattered.

…There’s so much more to say but I believe that gratitude is best shown through being friends… Because not many people fight to keep friendships together. I do miss being close… because it was real. Time passes and people change but I’ve seen you stay the same in personality and yet grow more into the woman God wants you to be…though you wouldn’t or rather don’t want to grow up to fast; yet at time longing to move forward… though you love to be impulsive, yet you like being organized and focused and you like everything in order… never has anyone been more confusing yet focused… you’re a paradox. The one thing I haven’t seen change is your love for God and your love in art. You’re a passionate person, Crys. Don’t let the world slow you down.”  -Christmas (this is have really no idea when… 2006? 2007? 2008?)

“Some memories don’t fade. Because of the depth and meaning of those memories. But this note isn’t only about the past it’s about now and tomorrow.

Are we where we wanted to be four or five years ago? Remember the dreams, the talks, the passion? How much of that has changed. I smile because after all these years and all the changes… you are one of the few people who actually get me. Remember when you used to say “follow your heart”. Five years later, I realize it’s not about following just your heart… but the calling/dreams that God has put in your heart. Some you have found, others are yet to be discovered. Crys, life is just going to get crazier/busier/tougher. I pray that at the end, throughout all your battles and your goals… that at the end you will see and keep the calling God has for you. Many ways we as man plan… but God’s path is far beyond our sight. But I believe God has placed his will/plan/heart in your heart. Discover it and run with it Crys.

If one word comes to mind about you… It’s passionate… you’re one of the most tenacious, aggressive, scary-intense person when you are aiming for something. Crys, keep running, don’t ever let the world steal that flame.“ -February 2009 (my birthday)

In so many ways, you’re right, Je. But then again you always have a way of making things make perfect sense or helping me see clearer when I’m confused. Some memories don’t fade. Some things don’t change (like handwriting or the habit of writing heartfelt notes on legal pads :P).

And even though I might not get that heart-to-heart with you soon because of our different schedules and the schoolwork you need to finish up, I don’t need it. Because you’ve already given me what I need. Someone to believe in me. Someone to help me see things clearer. You don’t need to know what’s going on in my life right now but you’re helping me get through it anyway. And it’s so, so amazing. That we’ve managed to stick through all these years. Even when you were in Australia. NS. And all the other places you’ve been even while I graduated, started college and am about to move on to another new chapter. How many people get that in their lifetime?

And so this post is just to say thank you… for everything. I can’t say it enough and you have no idea how much it means to me right now, but one day, sooner or later, we’ll have that heart-to-heart. =) And then you’ll understand.

But for now, you know what? I’m going to keep running. I’m not going to let anyone or anything slow me down. I’m not going to let anything steal that flame. =)

i don’t want a safe, mediocre life.

i don’t want what’s normal. what’s average.

i want to feel. i want to breathe. i want to live.

i want to feel You again.

i don’t want to be tired anymore. worn out. dry.

i want the rain to fall again on my soul.

i want to come back to the place where the tears fall freely.

tears of happiness, sadness, joy, pain, bitterness, regret, hope.

i don’t want to be numb anymore.

i don’t want to be practical.

i want to be irrational. reckless. daring. wild.

childlike. curious. hopeful. excited.

i want to be unapologetic. instead of always being the diplomat.

i want to strike out and forge my own trails. instead of following the signs.

i want to be scared by life - it’s wild, raging beauty and fierceness. i want to feel life -the beauty, the ugliness, the joy, the pain, the bitter, the sweet - surge through my veins and pulse with every heartbeat so that i know i am alive. i want to taste it. i want to hear my heart pounding in my ears. i want to feel my blood rushing through my body.

i don’t want to be an empty soul trapped in a cage of flesh and bones.

i want to live.

“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” -Jack London, American Author

If we only got one try
If we only got one life
If time was never on our side
Before I die I want to burn out bright

So a spark ignites
In time and space
To make it through this human race
You fight and crawl your way back home
But you’re running the wrong way

The future is a question mark
With kerosene electric sparks
There’s still fire in you yet
Yeah there’s still fire in you

-Burn Out Bright, Switchfoot

I know, it’s a little late, but I finally watched Slumdog Millionaire.

And no, I won’t say it’s a great or even an awesome movie like everyone else has already been saying.

No, it’s not even that.

It’s heart-breaking. Intense. Gritty. Real. Gripping. Life-changing, even.

When people rave over movies it usually takes away my appreciation for the movie as many times the reviews build up such a high expectation it’s easy for me to be disappointed.

But this is one movie that will be etched in my mind for a long time to come. Right up there with Casablanca, Life is Beautiful, and Citizen Kane.

My utmost respect goes to Danny Boyle for creating a movie that united script, editing, soundtrack, and stars into one seamless whole and captured the human spirit so powerfully and intensely.

And the soundtrack! The soundtrack is amazing. Every single song captures the mood so well. I can’t even pick my top three favorites - I like ALL of them!

I’ve been extremely obsessed with Indian food for the last few months and now with this obsession for Indian music, I think I’m becoming quite obsessed with Indian culture - it’s so intense and colorful and spicy and wild, and yet so, so beautiful.

But then again what culture isn’t?

(I wish I could take Ayush Mahesh Khedekar home. He’s too adorable.)

I can’t imagine never seeing Connor or Mason with their Starbucks Venti Lattes or SARAH KRAJICEK HUNTER with her adorable scrunched-up face or her funny little walk again… they’re gone just like that. Not even the chance for a season finale. What the heck.

NY Times: TNT cancels “Trust Me”

Sniff.

And now there’s the agonizing wait on whether “Chuck” is being renewed for Season 3.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” -Seneca

Better Than I

I thought what I did was right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for…

You know..better than I
You know…the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
Cause You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don’t know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what’s best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for…

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught them to fly
If I let you reach me…
Will you teach me?..For…

You know better than I
You know..the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
I’ll take what answers You supply
Cause you know better than I…

-Better than I, soundtrack from the movie Joseph, Prince of Dreams

JOURNAL #4 – CITIZEN KANE

Viewed: 21 April 2009
Director: Mark Forster (2006)

Immediate impressions: Citizen Kane is a deep, haunting exploration of life and death. The way the story of Kane’s life is played out through flashbacks from various characters was executed very well and drew me into the movie right from the opening scenes.

Even though Citizen Kane is a black-and-white movie and made a long time ago, I found myself being as captivated with the movie as I would have been with any other modern movie I might watch in the cinema. The script and the camera angles and the editing all blended together to create a stunning, thought-provoking film, and as I watched the movie, I realized just why it was – and still is – such a breakthrough, cutting-edge film for its time.

Reflected response: Some believe that Citizen Kane “is the first film noir, or at least the direct predecessor of noir, a genre that employs dark, moody atmosphere to augment the often violent or mysterious events taking place (Spark Notes).”

And indeed, the whole atmosphere of the movie is a very dark, complex one – further enhanced by the ground-breaking techniques employed by Orson Welles, such as deep focus, overlapping narrative through the use of flashbacks instead of the usual linear approach to storytelling, and innovative lighting and shadow techniques. All of these served to reflect, perhaps, the similar condition of Kane’s life – an unsolved puzzle, but a very intricate, complicated, and dark one. The movie left more questions than answers in my head and made me think about the complexity of life and how one man who had practically everything could not have the thing he wanted the most.

The word “rosebud”, the last word Kane uttered on his death bed, lingered in my mind long after the movie ended. What does it symbolize? To me, “rosebud” signified a lost childhood – lost purity and innocence that the world had snatched away from him at an early age. It signifies the loss of control and choice – when his sleigh, and life as he knew it, was taken away from him against his will.

To many, Citizen Kane, based on the life of newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst, may seem like a brutal portrayal of a heartless, arrogant man who brought ruin to all, including himself.

However, I identified with many of the same issues that Kane struggled with – the desire for love and acceptance, for example. The hunger for power and control. I actually sympathized with Kane’s character, and this is why: I believe that at the very core of Kane’s eccentric and egoistical behaviour is something that is not very strange or alien at all, but something very, very human. Citizen Kane portrayed perfectly the picture of a life void of purpose. Void of direction. Void of meaning. Void of God. In place of all the above, he had placed himself. He was his own god. He controlled his life, and the people around him. And it the end, destruction was his fate.

Personal lessons learnt: “Rosebud” reminds me of that famous line in the Bible where it talks about a man “gaining the whole world but losing his soul.”

That sums up the essence of what I’ve learnt from the movie – that no matter how many material things a person can have, at the end of the day, it’s not really things that he wants or cares about – things that can be destroyed, broken, or burnt. Instead, deep in every human being’s heart is a void that is meant to be filled with something greater, deeper, more profound, and more eternal.

Here’s some lyrics that have been on my mind and the pictures I think they paint. Are the pictures worth as much as the words? You decide.

You’ve got magic inside your finger tips
its leaking out all over my skin
everytime that i get close to you
your makin me weak with the way you
look through those eyes

And all i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above

I remember the way that you move
your dancin easily through my dreams
its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
you are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

wish i had a superpower
to stop the hands of time
wish the world moved a little slower
so you wouldn’t go so fast

wish you didn’t have to go
but the end is drawing nearer
would be nice if you could stay
cos i’m really gonna miss you

if i had one wish
i’d wish for you
to stay with you forever
in this moment
if i had one chance
i’d make you believe
that we can make it through if you wouldn’t leave

wish we didn’t have to wonder
bout the way it could turn out
if we had a different ending
to the page we’re writing on

Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I’ll be there when the world stops turning
I’ll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

You’re a falling star, You’re the get away car.
You’re the line in the sand when I go too far.
You’re the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you’re the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it’s kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don’t pretend, that you don’t know it’s true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It’s you, it’s you, You make me sing.
You’re every line, you’re every word, you’re everything.

You’re a carousel, you’re a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You’re a mystery, you’re from outer space,
You’re every minute of my everyday.

And I can’t believe, uh that I’m your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we’ll see it through,
And you know that’s what our love can do.

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

She loves her momma’s lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she’ll find someone to need her
She swears there’s no difference between the lies and compliments
It’s all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she’s not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

We were both young when I first saw you
I closed my eyes and the flashback starts
I’m standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, “stay away from Juliet”
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you, please don’t go
And I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting, all there’s left to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
It’s a love story
Baby, just say yes